10.12.15 ? Did i top today? And i'm still confused

Ok, i have no idea what happened today. i mean i know what happened, but was it the right decision? i'm so confused and upset tonight....still. i thought i felt better, but after i thought about it - and probably over thought it - maybe i don't.

Absolute first and foremost the only thing that i truly really want is to serve Master at all times. We both know in what aspect that would be and how, and that would truly make me the happiest i would ever need to be. i would be completely and utterly satisfied. i would finally be at peace.

BUT.....

And here is what i'm holding in. i am not sure if, as a sub, i am allowed or even should think like this. But this blog is to discuss what is on my mind and my experiences so here goes............................

i'm still torn.

i'm not sure how long from now Master will have me move. It could be years. Am i to be w/out any physical contact with another human being for that long? i also know that if i do have physical contact with another male, i will be attached to him. Just how my brain works. i also know that i am 100% fully committed to Master. Torn.

i told Master today that all i wanted was to be with Him and i didn't want anyone else touching me but Him, which is SO very true. i just want to be His. Was that topping? Did i force His decision?

But is this a sign.....today after Master telling me to stop dating i was relieved. He was in control and told me what He wanted.

So i see a few things that could potentially happen. If i do end up "dating" and meeting someone i like and have sex with him, i will be attached. That will automatically cause a strain on my relationship with him because my commitment will be with Master. But where will i stand physically? Will i be able to handle not being attached after having sex with someone? Also, if i build a relationship with someone, will i be wasting their time by moving when Master wants me to?

i'm so confused. How does one handle this? What does everyone else do? Maybe i just need more play time with Master? i tend to be a very physical person. Granted i am working out more on a daily basis now, but lately i feel i need more.

Please help.....................and i will apologize now for still talking about this dating crap. i wish my friends never tried to "help me". All they did was put me in this crappy confused position.

i keep rereading the post wondering if i should publish it.......................here goes.....