11.1.15 Still allowing others.....

....to control my emotions. But i can't help it sometimes. People are devious and i should see it, but i get blind sighted and react to quick. You would think that the person that is supposed to be the closest (physically) to me wouldn't be such a *unt. Why do people treat others so poorly? If i'm jealous of someone i acknowledge it and move on. Is it jealously that you feel towards me and if so why? i have nothing. What could they possibly be jealous of? Why do you have to hurt me so much. i've never done anything to you, ever.

Just don't get it. From here on out i'm only concentrating on the 4 main people in my life. Everyone else can knock on my shell or knock on the bricks. i've had it.

10.31.15 People Suck

Happy Halloween.

People suck. Can't blog.

10.30.15 Pizza

It's my favorite! It's warm and comforting and delicious!!!!! Lol! i'd like to have some and have been given permission to do so this weekend!!! YAY! i asked, but now i'm thinking, um no.

Starting tomorrow i have one week until Master and i have our evening together. i REALLY want to look good. He's even purchased several things for me to wear. i wonder what outfit He will want to see me in first. i'm excited because i love to please Him. As long as He is happy, i am. i always feel i don't do enough for Him. i always want to do more. He does tell me He is happy with me and that i do make Him happy. Hearing that, as well as hearing that He owns ALL of me, makes me very happy.

It's Friday. Hate Friday. But the weekend will go quick. I'll be busy. Which is good. i look forward to Master Monday :)! ..... although Master Monday might scare me a little this week. Because we get some time together next weekend He is having me edge everyday until then. i get one last chance to cum tonight and starting tomorrow i have to edge once, Sunday twice, and so on. Friday i have to wear my plug all day for punishment (which will be killer because i'll be SO on edge AND i'll be with my mother - double ugh!!!). So Monday, i'm hoping for no play because i'd rather not be tortured further. i have no doubt i'll beg not to be. i'm sure Master knows that as well. He knows how i roll.

10.29.15 Do i remind Him

So i am being punished for something i did last night, and Master has not mentioned anything about my punishment all day. i wonder if He's forgotten. Do i remind Him? To be honest, i usually do. i hate being punished. Hate it. i know He wasn't disappointed in me this time but because i thought i'd get punished BEFORE i did something, i'm being punished. i totally get it. And i know i deserve it. i know i will remind Him too.

He's been gone a lot today. i miss Him. But He did cheer me up by making sure i remembered that He is always thinking of me.......

10.28.15 Upcoming date

Master and i have a date scheduled for next weekend. i'm really excited but very nervous too. i'm nervous because i am very self conscious and shy (yes, i'm shy. but just the physical shy. like showing my body shy). i want to look good for Him and i never think i do. i want to be flawless. i know that no one person is completely flawless, but that's how i want to be..for Him. i'm scared He will see my flaws and remember them and be turned off.

i have been on a diet and working out mostly every day and i know i have lost inches and some weight. i have to be more determined. i get so blah sometimes, and lazy. i need that push.

i'm excited for what Master has planned. Doesn't even matter what it is, just excited for it. We could just play Bingo and i'd be happy. Just being in His presence keeps me settled. Makes me feel safe and at home.

my dom friend is coming over tonight for a visit. Looking forward to it. It will be fun to talk and be able to talk about Fet and the lifestyle, etc. i don't get to talk about it with anyone in my real life but him really. Its refreshing.

10.27.15 Ho Hum and Disturbing

Ho Hum, why was i beyond exhausted today and the second i get out of work i wake up a little? i seriously did not want to work out today but i was told i had to. In all honesty, i'm always glad i do because i feel good afterward. Thank You Master for knowing whats best for Your sub. i feel good. Still tired, but good. i hate to mention it and then jinx it, but i'm feeling pretty okay (don't want to say anything better just in case). i do have terrible anxiety and some depression issues, i wonder what we could come up with to get me out of the sad times quicker? Perhaps what happened Friday will be key? This last one was just waaaay to long. i'd insert a "poo" emonji here if i could - holler to my bff.

So i finally had some time to get through some of the Fet feeds i follow and came across something very sad and quite disturbing. A sub had mentioned something about "will she ever learn". i read it and was taken aback by what she wrote. her Dom had punished her and then she was to be punished again for another issue and she still had open wounds and was not allowed to use her safe word. To me, that's abuse. To everyone else that commented, that was abuse too. My Dom friend was quite worried for her. i hope he doesn't take it upon himself to get involved. He is a very caring person and i'd hate for him to put himself in some really bad situation. my bff thinks that the two of them are just learning and neither one of them know better. i sincerely hope that's the case and she doesn't get "hurt" again. There are some real fakes out there. i've talked to many. Master is the real deal! i'm very grateful for that. Most of them think that if they control you sexually they have mastered "domination". Yea, ok.....................

10.26.15 Update on friend

my friend has released the sub he had acquired over the weekend. Everything was went about the wrong way. i'm very glad he did, because i don't think she was the right fit for him anyway. He wants experience. i'm sure he will figure something out. He did learn a very important lesson though, and that's the great part. i know next time he will go about things with more knowledge. It was an experience well learned from. i hope he knows that.

i have a new name for Mondays. MASTER MONDAY. i have been released from my prior commitment on Mondays so now i am all His to do whatever He wants with me all day. Do you have any idea how thrilled i am by this????? BEYOND! i know that this will help my feelings of loneliness. i look forward to it.

i'm also feeling much better this week. i think the play on Friday really kicked me out of it. Actually, i'd like to say that i know it did. Still sore by the way.....